i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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