Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
