This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
