Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
