Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
