really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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