My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
where are you?
Hypothermia
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
