Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
