saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
