My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
