May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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