I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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