I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
