any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
