Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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