just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
