remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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