Swine flu. Run for my life!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
