you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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