We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
