A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
