Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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