saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
