i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
tonight lets celebrate not being married
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
