Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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