your parents love me but you hate me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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