The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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