Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize