he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Randomize
