I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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