My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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