my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
