Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
