By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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