Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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