It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
