my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
