My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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