alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
