I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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