i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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