There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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