he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
