I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
