Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
