I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
