I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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