I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
