i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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