I could make wine with my vomit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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