Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
