dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
