Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
