Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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