I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
