I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
