Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
