the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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